Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
