and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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