Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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