The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
