So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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