Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
