maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
i believe in u and ur pee
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
