Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
