Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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