He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
