I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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