my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
And then my night got REAL pukey
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
