new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
When did angry sex become our thing?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
