I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
