dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
