first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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