I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
