i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
