hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
