That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
