i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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