i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
