what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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