He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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