btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
