is your mom at the bar?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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