So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
