I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
this beer tastes like vomit already
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
