i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize