apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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