and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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