two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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