I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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