remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
