I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
