I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
