Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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