there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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