Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
