I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
