i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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