every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
