people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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