We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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