I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
