its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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