Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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