I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Send help, water and tortillas.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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