I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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