he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
