i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Screwed.edu
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
