hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
