haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
