Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
