we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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