Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
