i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You are the jesus of drinking
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize