also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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